Destination Unclear

I’m away with my family for school holidays at the moment. We are visiting family, viewing animals at the game reserve and visiting some scenic parts of our country. We drove for four hours to our initial destination as we have learned the hard way that very long car trips with little kids are not advisable.

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I was watching the GPS as we approached our distance, thinking about how we can watch the countdown of each turn and know how many kilometres are ahead. I was thinking about how difficult it would be for me, to be on a journey without knowing when it would end.

I feel that frustration with my illness. I don’t know when I’ll be able to live life without worrying about how much energy is needed for each activity of each day. I have to budget my energy to make sure my health doesn’t deteriorate. It’s hard enough keeping track of when last children ate, went to the bathroom and whether or not they are hot, cold, sick, tired or miserable. I have to monitor myself as well, as I need to eat every three hours, take vitamins regularly and not overdo the interaction and activities.

I was also thinking about Paulo Coelho’s book, The Pilgrimage. The main character is on a spiritual journey and he often gets frustrated along the way and just wants to get to the end. But the journey itself has a range of lessons that are necessary in order to get to his destination. He wrestles this scary black dog, symbolising his personal demons, a few times and comes out the other side stronger. I feel like I’ve opened Pandora’s box with all the things I’ve had to tackle on this healing journey of mine. I strongly believe that we get sick for a reason and our illness is connected to what emotions we are not processing.

It is enormously frustrating not knowing what I can do to become well and how long I need to wait. I’m dying to exercise, to dive into fun projects and to invest in my future. But there is all this waiting. It’s like hanging around the airport for a delayed flight, not knowing whether it will ever take off. I’ve done what others have suggested and I’ve tackled a range of issues from my past. I’ve adjusted my diet, I’ve sacrificed many of the things that I love. I’ve spent days just resting which is sheer torture for someone who likes to achieve. I’ve taken a year off work and as such am affecting our family income.

I’m wracking my brains about how to get over the last hurdle.But sometimes the last hour of the journey is the hardest. I remember car trips with our oldest daughter when she was a baby, having to move into the back seat and to cuddle her as best as I could to comfort her.

“The closer he got to the realization of his dream, the more difficult things became.” ~ Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

It’s frustrating to not know how to get there. Who do I ask for directions? It’s something I have to figure out by myself but I don’t really know which way to turn. I’m not sure how long it will take and whether or not what I’m doing is sending me in circles.

The truth is there is no clear path to where I need to be. I have to forge my own path. And it may take long and it may be inefficient. It’s a stop start journey with interruptions, detours and lots of road works. But I think when I get there it will be well worth the frustration, and the lessons I’ve gained en route will be invaluable.

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Kathy
I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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