I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and this new career I’ve started. It’s hard to start a new career in your forties. I’ll make no bones about it. It takes a lot of faith and courage to develop a new trade, to learn new skills and to promote yourself based on them. It takes balls. Some days I feel I have the balls. Other days I don’t.
I think it is particularly difficult in a creative field. I find it hard to feel and show credibility as someone who has something to offer. This is just me and this is just my story. I often have doubts that make me wonder if my story is boring, or that it wont have any influence on anyone. I’m not a negotiator or a persuader. It’s not my style to encourage everyone to be the same, and particularly to be like me. I want to inspire people into taking stock, and implementing change to enrich their lives.
In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic, she talks about following your passion in creativity. She says “in order to live this way – free to create, free to explore – you must possess a fierce sense of personal entitlement, which I hope you will learn to cultivate.” Entitlement feels like such a negative word but I feel that we are all entitled to things like happiness, success and love.
I have always been a people-pleaser, someone driven by harmony. I like to make people happy, to serve others. I love to solve problems. It feels contradictory to being entitled to my own happiness and success. But in a way I feel it as a calling to pursue this line of work. I feel that it will help others if I share my story, and potentially will help people to not get as sick as I did.
When people ask me what I do, or when they talk about work, it feels so foreign to me. At first, I thought it’s because I’ve lived in this cocoon of recovery at home for so long. I’m making my foray back into the world but things look different now. I have realised that I feel strange talking about my work because it doesn’t feel like work for me. It feels like fun. I want to do it on the weekends. I’m not relieved when Friday rolls around (well, apart from making school lunches). I actually love what I do.
This week I earned some money consulting and it felt so great. It’s really small change and wont cover much of my expenses but if feels monumental. It feels like the tide is turning and that opportunities are opening already. I am at stage where I have healed enough to be working. I have learnt that I have to do things that I love and am passionate about. I’m looking for opportunities to speak and they are arriving.
I am learning to be grateful for even the small things that go my way. I’m feeling blessed and excited for this opportunity to design my life. I don’t think many people have had that opportunity and it is indeed a great blessing. If I had not become so ill, I would never have made the changes I have made in my life. I’m living on purpose now and it’s such an amazing feeling. I have suffered greatly to get here. And now I need to get used to it and to feel fully entitled to this happy life I’ve created.Follow me: