Is Fear showing up as Self-Sabotage?

Recently my functional doctor told me that I’m doing so much better. My adrenal and thyroid health is excellent, and my leaky gut is healed. I am now allowed to re-introduce all foods, except gluten, because gluten creates the leaky gut in the first place. But wow, what news, right?

I had a slight cold at the time of this news and I felt so invincible that I went to yoga and really gave it my all the next day. That brought on a massive flu incident that lasted weeks. Not so invincible afterall. Of course, I was so excited to have a cappuccino again after not being able to enjoy caffeine or dairy for a long time. Knowing that dairy causes mucous I decided to wait a little bit before indulging in dairy, given the flu I was fighting.


Finally, the flu was over and I very slowly started exercising again. There were many days that I probably well enough to exercise but I was fearful to give myself a setback by pushing too hard, so I just took more time. I also felt bouts of nausea for a few days, so I took a few more days off.

After a few weeks, I had a cappuccino and enjoyed it tremendously. I got the shakes from the caffeine that my body was not used to. I decided not to stress my body out too much with a deluge of strange foods again so I’m still keeping to my diet even though I’m allowed to deviate. It feels like I’m a caged animal that has had the cage removed and is too scared to step outside.

Two weeks ago we got two new kittens. We had to confine them to our room at first, then the house and finally we have released them into the garden. My allergies have flared up tremendously. I have been feeling terrible so I haven’t done much exercise. It felt like my brain was playing tricks on me. Because I felt these symptoms much like a cold, I felt afraid to exercise, even though it would help.

I have also been worrying terribly about whether this affects my thyroid disease. My immune system is reacting to the kittens and with an autoimmune disease, I am always concerned about the effect on my thyroid. There’s no question of getting rid of the cats because we are completely in love with them by now. I considered rushing back to my functional doctor to check whether my thyroid is okay. I feel like an overprotective mother who is scared to let her child have fun.

It feels like I wasn’t allowed to enjoy this news of recovery. I keep feeling this fear that I’m having another set back. I keep wondering if I’m sabotaging my own recovery in some way. Why all these issues just as I’m doing so well? Is my fear of being recovered pulling me backwards to what has become the norm?

FearYou might wonder why anyone would fear recovery? Well, I suppose I’ll have no excuses if I’m fully recovered. If I don’t succeed on my new career path, I can’t blame illness. It will mean that I failed to create the future I have been striving to create. I’ve just got over feeling like a failure from burning out and leaving my business behind. I’m not sure I can deal with another failure.

It also affects my personal life too. If I’m fully recovered or in remission, will I still be able to ask for time alone, for afternoon naps and time to meditate on the weekend? As a highly sensitive person and an introvert, I will need time to restore my energy after busy periods or stimulating outings. Will my family understand that if I’m better? Will I feel entitled to ask for it, or will I feel guilty for being such a wimp who gets tired from merely interacting?

I have been sick for such a long time. My health collapsed at the end of 2014 and obviously was declining for a period of years before that. I’m probably feeling better than I have been for years. I will never fully recover but I’d like to be in remission and to reverse my symptoms as much as possible. That’s what I’ve been striving for, for over two years.

But that remission in itself brings about change. It’s a new state of normal that I will have to adjust to – and my family along with me. If my fear is subconsciously sabotaging my recovery, how do I get it to stop? Or do I just get over the fact that there will be setbacks from time to time and I must learn to roll with it?

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I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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