Fears and Passion

I’ve just finished reading The Element by Ken Robinson. It was such an enjoyable read at this stage of my journey of personal growth. It echoed many of my thoughts on following my dream. Robinson’s definition of the Element is where passion and ability meet. As I’ve said before, it’s no good following a career of something that you’re good at but that you hate. I loved the book and think that anyone on a journey to discover their passion, should read it.

element

But it also filled me with fear. I am afraid of getting to the end of this year and not knowing how to make money from my craft. People keep telling me that this is not a creative year for me, it’s a healing year. But time is running out and I am not keen on lying around at home while my passion and its fruits go unfulfilled. I’m afraid of having to find a job to pay the bills, and that it drains me of all energy such that my passion goes into hibernation.

I’m afraid I’ll be doomed to be sick forever because I’m so busy caring for kids and ticking arbitrary regulatory and relationship check boxes. There will be nothing left for me and I’ll be back where I was when I got diagnosed. The thought of being sick for the next twenty years is not something I’m able to deal with.

I’m afraid I’ll never connect with my true self or have the luxury of losing myself in the things that I love. Not having that outlet would fill me with resentment. I’m afraid I’ll end up squashing my children’s dreams because I can’t stand it that they robbed me of mine. The guilt of being a bad parent would create a downward spiral of even worse parenting.

I’m afraid that I’ll never reach my true potential because I don’t have the courage to change my life and to insist upon the things I need to fulfil my destiny. Doing that requires a bravery that I often don’t feel strong enough for.

I understand that this looks like a worst case scenario and if I were implementing what I’ve read in The Resilience Factor, I’d be combating the thinking with a more balanced approach. I’d be coming up with alternate scenarios and finding a best case as well. I suppose that would be becoming a best-selling author. That’s something I could live with.

I felt sad reading the book and learning about those who had a wonderful parent who believed in them. Or those who encountered a mentor just at the right moment. Perhaps my lesson is to be that parent or mentor but I can’t help wishing that I’d had that kind of backing. I’m not in a position to be that person without being happy within myself.

Being sick makes it harder because everyone keeps telling me to take it easy. There is so much restraint and there are too many constraints that I feel trapped. I’m so done working through emotional baggage and waiting for it to take effect. I’d rather be focusing on the future and testing to see how far I can go with my craft. But I’m afraid of pushing too hard and having to pull back again.

My desired end state is being well and writing books for a living. I’m afraid that the sheer effort of delivering many many outputs before finding success is too much for me. Perhaps that’s just how I see it now because I have limited energy. I have days where I have serious doubts about ever being at my desired end state. Perhaps that’s why I’m needing someone to believe in me so much right now. I want someone to tell me my fears are unfounded and that it’s my job to persevere through them.

Something I really loved in the Element was the statement that a mentor should encourage us never to be average at our pursuits. As I mentioned in my post about Living in the Grey, I’m uncomfortable with mediocrity and I want to strive for perfection. I’d love to find someone who believes in my ability to rise above the mediocre. I think the fears would somehow dissipate.

“Finding your Element is essential to your well-being and ultimate success.” – Ken Robinson

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Kathy
I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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