Something that I’m not so good at is letting go. I’ve been quite stressed out about not having an income and having to live off my husband. I’m fiercely independent and always have been. It is a difficult thing for me to rely on someone else due to my experience of being disappointed so many times.
I have no doubt that this is part of my journey now – learning to let go. No more rosters and measuring productive hours. No more analysis and lists to accomplish. I’m spending hours more than I ‘should’ in my pajamas. I’m doing what is fun and makes me smile. I’m not wearing make-up or jewellery. I love the days where I don’t have to leave the house. I think it’s part of my process to unravel the many layers of labels that are not me.
I’m no longer a Managing Director. I’m not even employed. I’ve had trouble telling people who don’t know me that I’m not working. I’ve felt that I need to provide an explanation. But no longer – now I just say I ‘don’t work’ not I ‘can’t work’ because my work does not define me and neither does my illness.
Since I have cut my hair I have not been able too find a stylist who can cut well so I’m giving up and growing my hair a little longer. When I was running, my hair had to be either long or short. Now that I can’t run, I can enjoy a style that is in-between. But in this transitional stage my hair looks awful. I have picked up weight on the medication and feel quite ugly. Yesterday while getting dressed into my slouch-around-the-house clothes, my oldest daughter told me that I look beautiful. Amazing how she sees me differently and finds beauty where I don’t.
I’m learning to let go of what people think of me, the judgments and the opinions of family, friends and strangers. Just because I arrive at school looking like a tramp, doesn’t mean I am one. I’m sick and I have every right to walk around looking pale and tired. In fact, it’s more authentic and it serves me better for people to understand that I’m having a difficult day. No more ‘I’m fine’ when I’m not.
I know that the past few posts may not have been that fun to read. But I also need to let go of what people think about me if I express my emotions. Failing to express my emotions has contributed to my illness and that has to change. It’s OK to be angry or sad and I’m not afraid to say so. I have procrastinated in addressing the emotional side of healing but I’ve accepted that it is a crucial part of getting well. This is where I am now and this is something that I need to work through, with my medium being writing. Once I’m at the other side of this difficult recovery process, I’ll be glad for having examined my childhood and the reasons for being how I am.
I’ll be free of the consequences of my childhood difficulties and I’ll be able to let go of all the harmful emotions that I have trapped within me for so long. I’ll have been able to put in better boundaries and create healthier relationships. I will be stronger and my life will be better. I will have healed from the inside out. And currently, the only way is to let go. Perhaps only being comfortable with the less attractive, sick and flawed me allows me to learn to love myself as I am and to let go of all that does not serve me.Follow me: