Where did the Resentment go?

In the past few years I have felt great resentment when it came to spending a lot of time doing things for the kids. This weekend, however, I felt none of it. I really enjoyed making Halloween outfits for them. Our oldest wanted to be a witch and her little sister, the accompanying cat. I made shoes and I put together their costumes, and spent only a minuscule amount of money.

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The girls had fun and we were able to chat to our neighbours and friends. The kids are also bigger and can cope with having a tail and carrying a broomstick. We all had such an enjoyable time and it was quite different to how I experienced the last time we attended the same event, two years ago.

Then, I was heading towards burnout and wasn’t really aware of what was happening to me. When you experience burnout, the stress makes you really irritable and it is very difficult to be patient. I was not blessed with much patience to begin with, so in my illness I became really grumpy. To top it off, irritability is also a symptom of hyperthyroidism.

I have been wondering why the resentment is gone, and I think there are three reasons. Firstly, my recovery is reaching a new level. My doctor said that we are merely building my reserves now in terms of adrenal health. That makes sense since I still need to sleep on the days that I exercise. My thyroid antibodies are far reduced so it shows that my lifestyle changes are having a positive effect on my health.

The second reason is that I found something I can get out of the time investment, specifically creating something. It was great fun thinking of ideas and brainstorming with the kids. We all put together ideas of what each costume needed and my creative juices started to flow. I made them both shoes from old scruffy shoes that were close to being thrown out. I used paper-mâché to make the shape and then painted and embellished them.

The third, and final reason I think the resentment is gone, is that I have spent enough time catching up on looking after me. I got resentful when I had to sacrifice a lot and I was so depleted. I feel that I have started to fill the tank of self-care to the point where I can now give again. Not to a point of depletion, but in bits and pieces. Giving in this respect was rewarding and fun, so it didn’t feel like a great effort.

Resentment

I spend a lot of time thinking about my process of recovery. Of course, I wonder if I could have done things differently to speed it up. Mostly, I wish I had discovered functional medicine much earlier as it has had a huge impact on my recovery. I have done so much research on my health conditions that I’m now at the point of saturation. I don’t think there is much more I could implement in terms if lifestyle change. I’m not foolish enough to think I know everything. But I feel that I know enough and that I’m doing enough. There comes a point where the focus on health becomes unhealthy and I don’t want to reach that point.

I’m exercising now and enjoying it. I’m not able to do real cardio exercise but that will come in time. I am feeling quite bored intellectually, however, and I see this as a sign of recovery. I don’t have big, scary goals and that frightens me a bit. I don’t like floating and drifting. I want to be working, to be delivering something meaningful and helping people. My book is coming along slowly and I’m hoping that it will be complete by the end of the year. I’m wondering what next year looks like for me. Hopefully, filled with fun, opportunities to help people and to make a difference in the world.

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Kathy
I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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