Two Steps Backwards

Just as I thought I was approaching being in remission, my health has been deteriorating. The reason is achingly clear to me: I was not being true to myself. It is truly amazing to me how thoughts can create such an effect on the body. I have been under a little more strain at home with my husband being away recently. But the main issue has been that I have realised I simply cannot go back to my business, even in its altered form.

I have been on a medical sabbatical for three of the agreed four months. My business is transforming into a new entity, with new people and focusing on offering services that are more aligned with my interests than the previous company was. However, it’s still not my passion. It has made me wonder if I should ever have entered the corporate world and if I should have entered the IT industry. They seem quite far from who I am now, in a few short months of being away. As much as I appreciate the shareholders rearranging and accommodating me, I simply cannot enter a business that does not energise me. And it is not fair and honest to string them along for another month once I know that it’s not my future. It’s not fair on them and it’s causing internal discord with me, resulting in stress.

Once we have acknowledged that we require meaning in our lives, there is no turning back. Once we realise that we need to be congruent with our thoughts, words, family, friends, work, leisure and decisions, we cannot go against our true self. I have read The Alchemist this week and what perfect timing for me on my journey to fulfil my destiny. Once we have that hunger for our ‘treasure’, there is simply no alternative course of action. “The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I know that my health has been improving since last year and I have started to measure  progress by how many hours of productive work I can do per day. I’m now able to do about three hours a day of meeting or writing until I start to feel fatigued. So with such limited time available, there is no room for people or activities that drain me. If I’m spending my only precious three hours per day on something that I don’t enjoy, I will never be well. And I will never have the strength or energy for the things that I do enjoy i.e. writing.

I will completely sabotage my recovery to date if I give into the need to make money and please others. How can I write this blog about following your passion, and spend hours a day doing something I hate? It would be too incongruent and would literally make me sicker.

As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I love Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. The book discusses the concept that we all have a ‘love tank’ that starts to diminish if we are not receiving love in the way we require it. The tank eventually gets empty and that’s when relationships break down. I think this wonderful concept can be extended to our own energy tanks too. I have given so much in the past that I am completely depleted.

The stress of the past week has caused my energy tank to be so empty that I’m cancelling social engagements. I have to stay home, care for myself and start to fill the tank.I have decided that I simply cannot return to my business. I am sorry to let the other shareholders down but I’m really in no position to give of myself for anyone else’s benefit. I need to fill my tank and I can only do that by doing things that I enjoy, like writing and creative activities that I can do at home.

 

I do find this set-back enormously disappointing and it’s hard not to feel completely despondent. What makes it worse is that people cannot see it. I still have people asking me if I’m doing any exercise. Would you ask someone with Cancer if they’re doing exercise? This illness is no joke, it’s not imaginary and I’m really struggling. Do I have to roll around on the floor to make people realise just how bad it is? That sounds like too much effort for someone with an empty tank.

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Kathy
I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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