What Should be

I often think about how things could be or should be. We live in a country that could have descended into civil war if it weren’t for Nelson Mandela. And now we are led by a despot in a failing democracy. If only we could be living up to our potential as a country. What a country we would have if things were run properly.

future

And it’s the same with our careers, marriages and friendships. If only we could have that ideal position or that perfect partner who lives to please us. But thank goodness our desires are not realised. I’d bet that we wouldn’t want that perfect job or partner if we had them. I’d bet we’d be bored stiff if our perfectly designed life unfolded exactly as we imagined. Real life is far more interesting, with challenges we never expected but nonetheless rise to.

This week I met with someone I used to be in business with. I am looking into various ways of making money since writing books is unlikely to be a viable source of income. My gut tells me I’m selling out – that I’m following the wrong path. But just what is the right path? How many hundreds of thousands of our savings must I use up before my future career becomes clear?

I’d prefer to think that things have and will unfold as they should. But it is scary to face such uncertainty. I’m a person of action. I like to get stuck in and sort things out. The past year has been so difficult to just surrender and to let the healing happen. I’ve worked hard to train myself into being more peaceful, in managing the stress and learning to trust.

And I still have doubts and want to fall back into my previous way of controlling and owning everything. While I wrestle with this, I’ve got my husband saying “I’m all for finding your passion but what’s the long term plan?” The honest answer is “I don’t know” and really, who does? As a business owner or an employee of a corporate, who truly knows what the long term looks like? How could any of us predict what opportunities will unfold in the next ten years?

crystalball

I’m not a lazy person. I am highly uncomfortable being unemployed and not contributing to our household income. But I am not fully recovered yet and knowing myself, it is only a matter of time before I get stuck into something.  But that something must be the right something. It can’t just be any job that will drain me of energy. It must be something that really resonates with me. That is the only option for me to continue to recover. The alternative is remaining sick and perhaps deteriorating for an indefinite period. That doesn’t sound like a good long term plan to me.

It’s exciting and pleasing to me that my future is unclear and that it won’t work out exactly as planned. None of us know what our country, community, career and relationships will look like in the distant future. And I think that is just as it should be.

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Kathy
I am a champion for living your passion. Writing is my passion, my destiny and my calling. I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a wife and live in Johannesburg, South Africa.

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