This month has been confusing. I thought it would be so busy considering it contains National Women’s Day and I love to talk on self-care. I only had one speech early in the month and no opportunities since. I expected a bumper month with at least three speeches. It has been my second highest month in book sales, second only to my launch month. But I’m surprised about the silence.
When you earn income for yourself, a quiet month is not a good thing. My inbox is empty, my phone doesn’t ring and there are no prospects in the near future. It can be alarming and I did panic at first. I started to worry about what I’ve done wrong, what I haven’t done or even if this is the right path for me.
I used the time to meditate and to get admin done. I like to draw cards daily to see what messages might be available. I consistently get the message to just let life unfold as it should without trying to force it. If you operate without faith, you tend to be dominated by your mind and you can get yourself into a downward spiral of worry and doubt. You try to fix and force your way but this doesn’t work, in the long run anyway. There are times to just surrender and to go with the flow.
I decided to do just that, to let go and to trust the messages. I’ve spent more time meditating, I’ve had fun with my kids on the trampoline and swings and I’ve indulged in creativity. This holiday we have made candles, slime, mosaic and mandalas. I’ve worked on a crochet blanket for my oldest daughter and it’s close to completion. We have baked, laughed and connected with each other. Earning money is important but I think these experiences have been even more important.
Tomorrow it is back to school and I feel mixed emotions. Usually I can’t wait for the kids to be out of my hair and for me to be released of the guilt of working when they want to be with me. I usually feel relieved that I’m no longer torn between my girls wanting to spend time with me, and getting work done. This time, with no work to be done, I feel a little sad as I’ll miss the time spent together.
While they have been on holiday, I’ve enjoyed reading in place of homework. From all the books I’ve read, I’ve collected so many ideas on what to include in my next book. It feels like something is shifting in me, the calm before the storm. I’ve had afternoon naps and I’ve taken care of myself. Instead of punishing myself for some unknown failure that has led to the silence, I’m enjoying it. I surrender to the path my soul is taking me on. I’m grateful for all that has led me here and I’m excited about what’s next.
I’ve done a lot of networking in the past year and it has been rewarding. However, I’ve reached a point where I need more challenge in my work. I want to be making a bigger impact in the world. A while ago, I thought perhaps I need to go back into the corporate world and earn good income again. Selling books and doing speeches is something that can happen in the background. Writing my next book is probably also something I can do in my spare time if I get sufficiently organised. So, being ready to return to the working world, I applied for many jobs and nothing came of it. More silence.
I’m going on a training course in two weeks’ time in another city. This course is designed to bring out the best in the participants so it feels like the right thing for me now. I’m hoping this course opens up ideas, opportunities or contacts that lead to something new and exciting for me. I’m eager to see if this is something that will challenge me sufficiently to be a meaningful contributor to society. Even a change of scenery is often enough to spur ideas and to find creative solutions to problems.
Sometimes when things are not going the way we expect them to, or want them to, we panic. That creates a desperate energy that isn’t very useful and is not the place from which good decisions are made. Instead, I’m feeling calm. I’m not rushing into anything just to fill the silence. I’m not blaming myself or others. I’m just accepting that this is what is, right now. There is probably a reason for it. I didn’t get to this place of calm suddenly or easily, of course. Being the person I am, I tried so many things: job applications, contacting a speaker bureau, letting my network know I’m looking for work. And at the end of it all, the silence persists.
So, I’ve surrendered into it. This must be a time of quiet, perhaps a time of contraction before expansion. And maybe this is just what I need to give me the strength and enthusiasm for what’s coming. We are in the last week of winter so I should probably align myself with the seasons. Just relax until spring arrives with all its enthusiasm, optimism and energy. This feels a lot less stressful than trying to make things happen when it’s just not working. I’ve tried the A-type struggle and it led me towards stress and unhappiness. For the first time, I have enjoyed the silence instead of fighting it. Let’s see where this takes me…